Last Say

A long time ago, I was the luckiest girl in the world.

Lucky in the sense that I was in a happy relationship with my best friend and everything that once felt out of reach had suddenly fallen into place. Everything suddenly made sense—why we met, why we grew close, and everything in between.

And, for once in my life, I believed that it was something I could keep forever.

I was a naive girl back then. Ruthless when it came to grammar rules and spell checks, but undeniably gullible when it came to love.

I was a naive girl back then, but I was happy. It even reflected in my monthly laboratory results: I was doing a lot better than I did months before. My abrupt emotional upheaval could have been the cause of that.

To this day, I still believe it was.

But I was young. I thought he, my best friend, would never think of committing a grave fault against me. After all, he knew about my issues. He knew about the state of my family. And he knew I was barely recovering, and 2 years had already passed then.

Maybe I overlooked his issues, too, but it doesn't matter now. All I know is, after that, we fell apart and, no matter how much we tried, we couldn't piece ourselves back together. It often felt like sitting at a table for dinner and only occupying one seat. Even when his flesh was right in front of me, I had never felt more alone.

I felt my existence transform into an apology with each passing day. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that. I'm sorry for taking up your time. I'm sorry I arrived too early. I'm sorry for waking you. I'm sorry, just go ahead without me; I might take a while.

From Tokyo Ghoul episode 5 "Scar"

I was once the luckiest girl in the world. I was in a relationship with a boy I could call my best friend, was in love with a boy who could sing wonderfully and accompany it with every strum of his guitar, and a boy whose creative and eccentric mind was something I could never rival.

But he, too, was also young and naive.

Maybe his hands kept shaking as he held me up, all the while carrying another personal weight on his back. He could no longer keep up with my sporadic but frequent bouts of jealousy. He was only human, just as I was.

We both had our issues. And maybe my first mistake was not leaving at the first sign.

But it doesn't matter now.

I really was once the luckiest girl in the world. I was happy. We were happy.

It's best to leave it at that.

But from now on—no more.

Always,
Claire

P.S. It's all very dramatic, but this is just my attempt to explain why I'm going off the 'dating scene' for a while (or a long while). It's hard to explain in a few words. All I know is I'm not ready yet. And I probably don't deserve to be with anyone again after all the damage I inflicted on my ex. Still, things could change, but, for now, no more.

Note: This is from my perspective; I don't mean to invalidate what he went through with me.